Supporting Parents during Baby Loss

It was cold in the doctor’s consulting room. Carry* was
 laying on her back, waiting to hear their baby’s heartbeat. But then she realised it was quiet – too
 quiet. Seemingly from afar, her doctor said in a soft voice, “I am so sorry Mr.
 & Mrs. Jones, but there’s no heartbeat.” Their precious baby girl, that she
 has been carrying for 38 weeks, was dead…

While
 many people still believe there are 5 stages to grief, the fact of the matter
 is that grief is an individual process that does not fit into any formula. Dr. Christina Gregory, PhD, explains: “Grief has certain common characteristics,
 but no straight-forward pattern or behaviour.”

The
 following are some common characteristics of grief according to Dr. Gregory:

“All
 these are natural and there is nothing ‘wrong’ with bereaved parents if they
 are experiencing any of these characteristics,” says Dr. Gregory, “Parents may
 experience all of them, or only some. They may experience them for weeks and
 months at a time, then never again, or they may find they experience them in a
 cycle – sadness, then anger, then numbness, followed by sadness again, etc.”

It
 is obvious that there is no right or wrong and parents should not be made to
 feel guilty about any of them. However, if there are prolonged incidences of
 the above, it is always safer to approach a health professional.
 

Carry
 says one of the hardest things to deal with is that amid a parent’s grief,
 there are practical considerations that need to be dealt with, “To me it was
 incomprehensible, but life carried on after Savannah’s death. I still had to think
 about shopping, cooking and general life issues.”

Hopefully
 there will be people supporting parents through their grief. For the mother
 particularly, eating healthily and sensibly is vital at this stage, even though
 it is often the last thing they want to think about or have energy for. Family and friends can support bereaved
 parents in many ways.

Practical ways to assist parents who
 have lost a baby:

However
 great their support systems are, there will come a time when parents must face
 life alone. Carry explains, “Nobody can lean on other people forever. There
 comes a time where you must face reality, and the world, without someone there
 to hold your hand.”

These
 parents are members of a dreadful club that nobody wants to belong to and they
 must deal with the emotions that it entails.
 Supporting them in practical ways can go a long way to help them cope.
 

The ‘do’s’ after a
 stillbirth or pregnancy loss

The
 Oxford dictionary offers two explanations for the word miscarriage:

“Miscarriage: The spontaneous or unplanned expulsion of a
 fetus from the womb before it can survive independently; and: An
 unsuccessful outcome of something planned.”

The
 latter is not only applicable to miscarriage, but to stillbirth and all child
 loss situations. Lisa says, “Losing a child that was very much wanted and loved
 was devastatingly painful for us. We needed all the love and support we could
 get.”

Although
 there are no hard and fast rules about handling perinatal grief and bereavement
 as a family member or friend, being mindful of a few important things can make
 the difference whether a bereaved couple feel lost, lonely and unacknowledged,
 or understood, loved and validated.

Here are some “do’s”
 that may help you to support bereaved parents:

DO:

…
 say their baby’s name, especially when talking about him or her. Sam explains,
 “Parents will not burst into tears when hearing their baby’s name but will more
 likely appreciate the fact that you acknowledge their child. We will never forget Ella, so nobody else
 needs to.”

…
 ask if the parents are ok. Carry’s
 experience was that she wasn’t always honest, but she very much appreciated the
 fact that her friends had asked, “Friends must also be prepared for the
 emotions that may follow the question. It happens but no one can predict when.”

…
 make sure that you are led by the needs of bereaved parents. Let them feel comfortable to say, “We are not
 coping,” or “Please give me some space.” Make them feel at ease to be honest
 about their emotions.

…
 remember their stillborn child. Lisa
 says, “Even though Connor was born still, he was still born. I need people to remember
 and acknowledge the fact that he existed even though he has never breathed the
 air we breathe.”

…
 understand that losing their child changed them forever and they may do or say
 things you don’t understand or that’s even upsetting to you. That’s ok. Do not take anything personally as it is not
 meant to hurt you. The bereaved parents are trying to survive the unimaginable and,
 in this process, they may hurt your feelings. Do not take it to heart.

…
 talk to their other children about their sibling. Even to smaller children that you think do
 not understand. Sam says, “My sister
 told my children they have an angel in the sky that looks out for them. She
 even held a little ceremony for them to send pictures and messages to Ella to
 help them deal with their loss. This
 really helped so much to console them.” It’s ok if you are not religious or a
 ‘believer’ – children are. Let them lead
 you. A
  note on religion and stillbirth: Most belief-systems in the world
  agree on the fact that children are innocent and will immediately be in
  better hands and receive better care than any earthly parent can give them
  when they die. It is imperative that you adhere to a bereaved parent’s
  religious views and beliefs when it comes to the death of their baby – even
  if you don’t agree at all. This is not time to impose your religious beliefs
  on others. Respect them and respect whatever they belief about where their
  baby is.

Bereavement language –
 think twice, speak once

It
 is extremely important to be mindful of what we say to bereaved parents. Know
 they may be overly sensitive about their child and even the most innocent
 remark about their child may be misconstrued.

Carry
 explains, “The loss of Savannah caused untold heartbreak and despair and what made
 those days even darker were some well-meaning friends who said things that were tactless or hurtful. You are in such a dark space that you are
 overly sensitive of the things they say but it would have helped a great deal
 if they were a bit more mindful of their words.”

Here
 are a few things to remember when talking about stillbirth or pregnancy loss to
 bereaved parents:
 

The Top 10 things NOT to
 say to a bereaved parent:
  “At least you know you
  can get pregnant.”“This is God’s plan”“Just be glad you didn’t
  get to know her. This way you won’t have to suffer the grief.” “Luckily men get over it
  much faster.” “You can have others.”“It just wasn’t meant to
  be.”“Be grateful for what you
  have.”“Everything happens for a
  reason.”“It could have been worse
  – the baby could have been born with a severe defect.”“Was it something you
  did?”
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Positive bereavement
 language: Top 10 things you can say to a bereaved parent:
  “My heartfelt condolences
  with your loss. Nothing I can say can make it better.”“You didn’t do anything to deserve this loss, it wasn’t your fault.” “I love you and you can talk about your baby
  to me anytime, I will listen.”“It’s ok to be angry or
  sad or bitter – ANY emotion you feel is ok.”“Grief knows no timeline,
  take all the time you need.”“Be gentle with yourself
  through it all.”“I imagine you must be in pain right now. I may
  say the ‘wrong’ thing sometimes, but I am always here for you.”“How do you feel?”“What can I do for you
  right now?”“It’s really bad and it’s
  going to hurt for a long time, but at some point, it will get different and I
  will journey with you until it does.”
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Every
 parent grieves differently. Carry says, “I felt guilty because I was experiencing
 deep grief over Savannah’s death. Statements made by well-meaning friends caused
 me to question the validity of my deep feelings of sorrow. It is so important that people realize that
 things they say to a bereaved parent have an impact on them.”

Supporting
 bereaved parents is not about what you are saying or doing, it is about the
 fact that you honestly do not judge or pretend to understand the situation they
 are in. Sam says, “It is about unconditional support when it matters most –
 where the rubber meets the road so to speak.”

No
 one can ever be fully prepared to lose a child and no other person can take
 away a bereaved parent’s pain. What we can do is to help them in practical
 ways, use sensitive bereavement language and keep space for them in this
 painful and devastating situation. Losing a child
  makes your heart break in places that you never knew existed Unknown

*Not
 their real names

 
 By: Nicci Coertze

Nicci is an
 experienced SBD Birth, Bereavement & Adoption Doula®, Curriculum Developer
 and Trainer, and Remembrance Photographer. Nicci has developed an online course
 for grieving parents to help them cope with pregnancy and infant loss and she
 has also developed SA’s first online perinatal bereavement training program. She has written an E-book called ALMOST
 PREGNANT (under the pseudonym Hannah Amos) about her infertility and adoption
 journey that is available on iTunes. For more information, please visit: www.ncot.co.za or email ncot2017@gmail.com

This article was originally written and published in 2018 by Nicci Coertze for the Baby Yum Yum website:
 https://babyyumyum.co.za/

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