My husband forgot to make my cup of coffee this morning. I am completely traumatized by that. You see, I am SO used to my cup of coffee every morning that when I reached out to my nightstand before the sun was even up, the coffee wasn’t there! I jolted out of bed and switched on the light to see where he put it (we have a very dark room.) To my great disappointment (and irritation if I must be honest) my coffee wasn’t anywhere to be seen! I couldn’t believe my eyes because he NEVER forgets, and my coffee is there EVERY single morning. How was this possible? Turns out he overslept, was late for gym and had to rush out of the house, which almost never happens, and in the process coffee was the last thing on his mind – thus my coffee-less morning.
That made me think. Just like my coffee, we can so easily get used to people. Like, they’re just THERE. Consistently, all the time, unconditionally. Almost like a piece of furniture. And then one day they are gone and it’s like a piece of you went away too. I won’t dare to compare my son ‘emigrating’ to New Zealand with someone who has lost a loved one. I just won’t. Let me tell you this however, it feels like I lost something, and I suppose on a much deeper level, that is exactly what happened. It’s like that line in one song, “Every time you go away you take a piece of me with you. “This is truly the case – a piece of me is missing.
I wish Kevin took the piece of me with him to NZ that’s the fattest, but unfortunately that didn’t happen. Instead he took a piece of my heart – and that is much, much more painful. It’s almost like being pregnant. If someone hasn’t gone through it, it is utterly impossible to explain to them what it feels like. You can describe your symptoms and emotions, but the ‘being’ pregnant part cannot be conveyed to someone who has never experienced it. So, I totally understand that you don’t ‘get’ it that I am so heartbroken over one of my children being on the other side of the world. It’s really ok. What’s not ok is to dismiss my sadness and to tell me that other people lost their children and here I am ‘moping’ about mine that’s still alive. This blog is fairly new and doesn’t have a lot of subscribers (yet) but honestly, if you don’t like me bemoaning the fact that I ‘lost’ my son to NZ for 2 years you should rather unsubscribe. Because this blog is where I am pouring my heart out. Not just for myself, but for moms like Cathy* who inboxed me and thanked me profusely for putting her pain into words. Her daughter left for the Netherlands last week (for 2 years too!) and she is inconsolable, but she has to hide it. Her sister lost her child 7 years ago, and now she doesn’t dare to mourn about her child that is very much alive.
How unfair is that? I have dear friends who have lost their precious children forever and THEY are the ones who support me the most. I don’t ask for sympathy and I don’t want any one feeling sorry for me. But I also don’t want you to make light of my heartache just because physical death is not involved. And remember that time when your cat died, and you held a funeral in the backyard and couldn’t look out of your eyes for 2 weeks? I’m the one who held your hand, brought you tissues and chocolates and then eventually when that didn’t help, I brought you wine. And you got better (not because of the wine!) because I was there for you and a few other people who understood that you loved another being with all that is within you. Please give me that same grace and don’t play down what I’m going through.
Just for the record: I don’t go about my day, crying about Kevin, moping, moaning and mourning, crying “Woe is me! Woe is me!” Not at ALL. He would be really angry if I did and it won’t help! So instead I am focused on my husband, other children and businesses (and Georgia of course), and I also firmly believe that I will visit him, see where he lives and love on him in person. I am passionate, very positive and proclaiming that it WILL happen. I have set goals for myself and with discipline, hard work and complete dedication they are totally ‘doable’. So, I am going to have a GREAT day, good things are going to happen to me and I will attract positive people to me (you need those!) This day is going to be awesome!
So, on that positive note, I am off to go and make myself a cup of coffee. Sigh.
*Not her real name
My daily fix
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